There was once a little girl who lived in a lot of solitude. She longed for companionship and friendship with those around her. Unfortunately, her tactics to receive friends were selfish and terrible. She’d lie about things in hopes that they would be drawn to her. Her life was too boring otherwise. As she entered middle school, she continued on but decided the lying had to stop, for it just made matters worse. She gave it up cold turkey, like a bad habit.
The only potential friends she had were boys. She liked things they liked and had fun playing basketball, skateboarding, swinging on ropes in the woods, playing card games, video gaming, and drawing. She smoked cigars about once a month that her brother would give her (he was legal age to buy them), loved going for walks and bike rides, swam and roller bladed regularly, and listened to music constantly. Most of her time was spent in her bedroom. She had a lot of anger but a load of love.
She’d go to camp every summer swimming, canoeing, kayaking, sailing, shooting rifles, and making friends who accepted her for who she was. She’d go home after collecting dozens of addresses from her friends at camp and would write letter after letter. Some of these people would write back once, some not at all, and others continued for a year to several years to even over a decade, until she no longer heard from them at all.
Once she became a teenager, her mother suggested having a girl from school sleep over each weekend or said she should go to their house overnight in hopes that she’d gain friends. However, this girl never knew what it was like to go on the internet in the mid 90′s and wanted to experience chat rooms. She’d spend hours on her “friends’” computers and this would irritate them. She just didn’t know how to connect with the girls. She didn’t know how to get to know them and would instead talk about her own dreams and hopes, because life was so boring that she didn’t have any hope outside of dreams. These girls ended up backing away from her. Another failed attempt at a friendship; one after the next.
The young girl loved long. Her first “boyfriend” in school was when she was 10 & 11. It lasted for five months and 10 days. He stopped being her boyfriend simply because he was tired of being mocked for being with her, but he really did like her. It took her a year and a half to finally get over him. The next boy was one she didn’t think would like her, but he gave her a chance. She fell in love at 13. He was her best friend. All his friends were her close friends, and they were all guys. After many months, other girls started to take notice of her smart boyfriend who was getting better looking once he got a haircut and his braces removed. She started to love him even more. Then they broke up when their year anniversary was so close to arriving. It was over a misunderstanding that was never dealt with properly. He started to be cruel to her and stay away from her. His friends continued to be nice to her, but she lost her friend and love. It broke her heart deeply.
When entering high school, the girl was excited about her intent of finding friendship and regaining her love. Everyone was tired of the girl and just ignored her. She gave up and would cry in the art room during lunch times after the new freshmen girls that entered the school realized that she was weird and not as cool as some of the other kids. She’d draw and draw and draw. She wasn’t that good at it either, but it kept her mind busy. Her grades were terrible.
A girl who had left her school system after eighth grade started to show an interest in friendship with her. She was so happy to find out this girl had no friends in her new school, so they connected and spent nearly every weekend watching anime together. She’d spend hours on her friend’s computer (thankfully that year she finally had one to use of her own). Her friend loved music and drawing too. It was so much fun to be with someone and not feel so alone any longer, but in time, the girl would find her lifelong best friend who came into her school the following year. The three got along well, thankfully for a few years. She also was able to reconnect with a girl who was her first friend who went searching for faeries in the woods with her.
When freshman year came to a close, she was still so broken about how she had been treated over the years in her school, surrounded by the same people who mocked her every chance they could no matter how nice she would treat them. She was tired of her love ignoring her and needed to get away. She was suffocating. It was time for a change. She remembered a girl laughed at her once saying she’d never survive public school, but she knew she would do fine, or at least give it a try.
The second day of being in her new school, she met a freshman girl who was an outcast herself. She too loved music and drawing. They were very different, but they got along. She now had a best friend in school and outside of school.
She opened up her Bible.
Comfort. Assurance. Love. A Father. Affection. Life.
These things were vital to her. She prayed regularly and soaked in scriptures. She’d read her Bible in between waiting for her friends to message her on her computer.
She wanted love. “Send me a man who will be my husband and love me too. Help me to find someone who will love you.”
He was there. In front of her. Praying. A boy in a public school that was open about his love for God astounded her. She was intrigued. He was intrigued. Her heart swelled with hope. Her life was changing. She was trusting in God. He was giving her friendship and in time; love. She felt blessed.
Her friends started to go through very hard times. They didn’t like life. She wanted them to see how precious life was. She wanted them to see how God had been there for her and how when she gave herself to God, He truly blessed her. He was always there. He was always the one to help her, but she didn’t always look to Him for help. She told them to not give up hope. She wanted them to see how much she loved them too.
More friendships. More blessings. Eventually God told her the boy she liked would be her husband. He was going to help encourage her in times that were not easy. He was going to help direct her towards God and love her even when it would be hard.
Soon her friends went off to college while others did not. They didn’t need or want her. They would push her away. She realized she’d have to let them go. She was left with one friend who meant so much to her and who didn’t seem to have any other friends too. This friend loved music, horror movies, and Jesus.
The girl became a young woman and married the boy God promised would be her husband. He was always there for her. He would hear her cries about her desires for a friend time and time again throughout their marriage. He figured he was enough and that I should be thankful for that, but she wanted female companionship. In time, she only had him left. The friends she made she either somehow pushed away or they pushed her away. She was falling away from God. She was losing so many. She then nearly lost her love, but his love for her was filled with Christ’s forgiveness.
Online friends. She was left with people who made her feel happy. She would even go and visit them as much as she could even if they did live hours away. Her husband was so supportive. He was always willing to be there for her. He was not pointing her to Christ to fulfill her voids though. He was having his own battles and so helping her was not something too easy for him.
Freedom. Her husband found it a few years later. God changed his heart. She was feeling even more empty though. She went to God. “Help me! Thank you for helping my husband!” He was there. Her heavenly Father. He was always there. Why did she always push him away? Why did she not lean on Him for strength?
Friends came again. Friends left again. Friends came again. Friends left again. Friends always came and went.
Her husband became her only friend, but that was okay. She was going to not worry about it. God was still there. She was going to Him. He was more than any friend could offer her. She’d love them. All those who hurt her and all those she hurt. They were all going to be forgiven. She realized she did a lot of wrong to people. She’d tell them that she was sorry. She’d tell them that she just doesn’t know how to be a friend. She doesn’t know how to relate to women. She now would put all of herself in God’s hands. If He would give her friends again, she’d be grateful, but she understood that they come and went at various times.
Each friend she had was so dear to her heart. She’d always love them even if she was not close to them any longer. It was great that she had time with them while she did. She still had a couple online friends, though she didn’t see or talk to them as often as she once did, but she knew they loved her. One of her friends who spent only a couple months in silence away from her started to draw close to her again. They are now so much alike and yet once they were so different, but her friend will be a missionary. She will not be able to see her as often, but she knows that they are very close as sisters in Christ. Their friendship is honest and heartwarming. God is still there for her. Her husband points her towards Christ constantly.
She is I. I am me. I am the little lonely girl who has grown and decided that at 31 years of age, walking away from my past with a smile is worth it. It has brought me closer to God. I might still scare people off (unintentionally), but so did Jesus, and even His best friends abandoned Him at His arrest for doing no wrong – all but one of His friends remained near. For once I am thankful for the very small handful of friends I have. I am extremely thankful for the best-friend-of-a husband that God gave to me to help me in my times of loneliness and physically wiped away my tears over relationships with my friends.
If you are someone who was a friend of mine, I want you to know that I truly love you and am thankful for you being in my life as an encouragement to me. I am sorry for failing in my words and actions. My heart has been softened a lot over the past year alone and I have learned how to love more deeply and to see all in the image of God as they are. I long to live out the Fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. It is not an easy journey, but I am finally not lonely. I am His child. It is not about me anymore. It is about caring about those I meet and interact with, for God loves them deeply and wants them (and you) to know that.
Thank you especially to those who I considered my closest female friends at one time in my life whether or not they realized it or not (some which are close with me now): Rachel, Greta, Lori, Nicole V.B,, Danielle, Nora & Kate, Lauryn, Cristina, Sandra, Nicole (N.E.S), Sheila, Laura, Mellie, Emilee, Lynsie, Loryn, Janice, Brienne, Rachel D., and Megan & Kelly & Jenn.