Currently listening to: The Cure’s “Doing the Unstuck”
Currently reading: Matthew 4:1-11 and The Retribution of Mara Dyer (. . .this was two books ago now, reading The Runaway King by Jennifer A. Nielsen )
I had a long post typed out and highlighted and deleted it that talked basically about nothing interesting at all.
I don’t know what to say on my blog anymore.
I don’t know who really is reading these days if they read at all.
I think of the days of Livejournal in 1999-2006 when I wrote constantly in the one I owned. I used to freely write out everything out in the open for all to see from what I was doing during the day, my thoughts and beliefs, and my adventures in life. These days I don’t do that at all. I feel like there are those who scrutinize and understand me and it just isn’t possible. I felt a lot of freedom when I deleted my facebook six months ago because now there are not so many people telling me off because I have opinions that are different from theirs which they label in various forms and spout cruel things to me as if I’m dumb. There was too much drama and I have always been one who likes to help people who have drama (I like them to tell me their problems and I like being an outlet for them to feel safe because I’ll listen and try to help them in the best way I can) but I keep drama from being in my own life (if that makes sense). I don’t like people to try to judge me and then talk to their friends about me. Why can’t people be able to go to a person (me in this case) and say, “Hey, I saw what you wrote and it bugged me.” instead of going to someone else about it saying, “Did you see what they said? What is wrong with them? Their insane.” That or they stop talking to me completely in general which hurts most.
The truth is that I am crazy. I like being crazy.
I don’t like being like others. I don’t want to think the way people tell me I should. I don’t want to celebrate the holidays everyone else does. I don’t want to live the way the rest of my society and culture do. I just don’t think it makes sense anymore. The more that I read God’s word, the more that I see things in a way I was never told about it, the fact that I wanted to start fresh and see things in baby eyes and get it more than ever upsets others because it is not what they were brought up to believe and it confuses and bothers them that I can’t think the same way the majority of Christians today do.
Most Christians I know are very into liturgy, tradition, nationalism, politics, and worldly living. They surround themselves with those who think just like them, who look or dress just like them, and who acts just like them. I can’t be that way anymore. I want to have unity with people who are the opposite of me, who don’t think like me, who might barely have anything to wear, and who I might not understand at all but will be willing to listen to them and be there for them. My life is very different today than it was two years ago and even a year ago. I am told I have gone off the deep end by a few people, and honestly, I found truth and have broken out of the bubble that many Christians blindly seems to follow.
My thoughts on how I look at people have completely changed for the better. I am starting to see how Jesus saw the Pharisees and Saducees more and more each day. They were the people who knew the law backwards and forwards and were all knowledgeable and appeared to be holy and great, but deep down inside, they disregarded others and showed little love for the poor and the hungry and the slave and the widow or the refugee or the lepers or the sick and “unclean” ones. Most of the Christians today remind me of them. They will argue until they turn blue about doctrine and apologetics but when you ask them if they have ever wanted to show love to an immigrant before explaining the situation of the immigrant, they go crazy into why the law says illegal immigration is illegal for a reason and that they can’t care for them because they are supposed to follow the laws of the land. While I know someone personally who has illegal immigrants living in their home with them and shows them the love of Jesus because they had no one to care for them and were suffering from oppression and that person to me is much more understanding of God’s love than the person who is “full of knowledge” of God’s word. They are helping the poor and needy like Jesus told us to regardless of any law.
And this is why I am crazy to people. I serve a huge loving God who actually decided to have his amazing son killed off to save us all and therefore we are all worthy of love and forgiveness no matter how evil they seem or how dirty they are. I am learning little by little in my church to adjust to the smell of homelessness that enter the building. It has been a huge change for me but the homeless I meet have been teaching me a lot about life. If a man will give me very nearly empty laundry detergent bottles he’s collected so that I can use the amount of soap left in it for my own laundry to help me save money when he has nothing himself and asks me to recycle the bottles for him, I start to understand how he sees the world and how even though he smells and lives on the very cold wintry street, he wants to help me and values the little things that I would take for granted or waste. I’m amazed. He doesn’t ask me for hand-outs but hands me things that he thinks I will need. I think about Jesus who didn’t have a place to rest his head who offered only Himself and pointed to the Father to be glorified through the love he poured out for us. That’s beautiful.