“I don’t know what happened to the lunch meat I bought you, Honey. I’ll just make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, okay?” I asked Rob one early morning, as I lovingly make him sandwiches to take to work each day.
I really thought I had put that lunch meat in one of my shopping bags, but I have forgotten to bag things in the past, so I figured that was the problem again.
Lately my life has been going down the tubes emotionally. I have been going through some sort of depression, which is something I haven’t felt since I was about 14 years old. Crying bouts that I have no control over, sitting in bed not wanting to get out and falling back asleep after being up for an hour, and having no motivation at all.
My head was bothering me. My heart was bothering me. For a few months I have been feeling terrible inside. I started to hate myself in every way and blaming myself for everything. I didn’t want to be around my children in fear of letting my frustrations out towards them and making their lives miserable too. My husband was a gem of patience and love towards me, constantly giving me encouraging words and would even tell me to just rest and take a personal day off from teaching the boys if I needed to. I could barely function at all.
For the past month my jeep has been incredibly stinky. Micah informed me that he spilled water in the back seat, so I figured that it was built up mildew causing the nasty smell. I would complain about that stench for weeks.
Surgeries for family members took place from the last day of November through just last week Wednesday. They aren’t done either as my mom has a surgery next month. When my brother had severe blood clots in his leg and I was told it could go to his lungs and kill him, I lost it. I cried for two days straight. Rob’s dad’s surgeries and my mom’s surgeries, I could handle a bit better. It is easier for my mind to process a possible death for them as they age, but I couldn’t handle that well either as much as I’ve tried to. To think about having to bury my brother who just turned 39 in January? No way. I spent the majority of my childhood with him. He taught me probably more than anyone in my first years of life and I was not going to accept it! Thankfully he is doing better and his clots are contained in his very swollen leg. Being told that my extremely athletic brother wouldn’t be able to run again was another blow. He only has 30% chance of being able to have those clots leave his body, and that is a sad thought.
I pushed God away these past few months. Pains from my past started to sneak up to choke me. I found myself dealing with recurred rejection from peers and friends which I deal with harder than anything. I started to hate various things that haven’t been properly dealt with regarding family members. I constantly was saying, “no” to my anger and trying to contain it from coming out, because I am a time bomb who can go off in a rage (though I honestly never say any bad words, just hateful things which might be more destructive). I wasn’t going to God and stopped praying for help for myself because I grew tired of being ignored even though countless times He has answered my prayers. I went and told people off, which is totally not an Anabaptist thing to do. I felt like I had no right to be a mom myself when I can’t even work out my own childhood.
Rob started to take my jeep to work because his exhaust broke when he ran over a dead deer carcass in the dark highway. Right away I thought, “I am like that carcass. I am paining people because of what I am dealing with and making others miserable around me.”
Then Rob let me know that he found the old lunch meat in my jeep. It must have fallen out of a bag and gone into a crevice when I hit a bump driving home from the store. He threw it out and said it was the cause of the stench. After a couple of days that smell was gone. The air freshener was all I could smell.
It was then that I realized that I am that bad lunch meat. It must have been nearly two months that I let that nasty meat rot away in my car. People noticed the smell and since it is so cold, no way could I air the jeep out.
I need to remove the bad meat from my life. I smell so badly to others. No wonder why people don’t want to be near me or push me away. I have a terrible stench. Why would they see Jesus living in me when I am like this? They can’t. Period. I am not being like him at all and that bothers me the most. Why would I treat him the way I’ve been treated? I ask Rob how he could love me at all. I see Jesus in his life so easily. He lets things go so much better than I do and I want to be like that. He shines a wonderful example to me and still loves me and doesn’t push me away. how much more would God welcome me into his arms? How much more does He see me and want to help me?
I have some changes I am making in my life. While I may have rid of physical possessions last year, it is the emotional prison that I need to give up this year. It is the past and the burdens that I hold on to that I need to give to God. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get these things out of my life, but I am seeing that this week already, I have changed for the better. I am going to walk on and continue to make it through. Why? Because I have a God who loves me and never would reject me because I am His child!
“Now may our God and Father himself, and our Lord Jesus, direct our way to you, and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.” -1 Thessalonians 3:11-13