lifestyle · spiritual · thoughts · Victoria

Thoughts on Sex Before Marriage: My Personal Story

EPSON MFP image
Me at 16.

I was known as “Vicki the Virgin” in high school.  Did I like that nickname? I found it funny for a time.  It was a joke and a way to mock me. I had wanted to be a virgin on my wedding day, but that did not happen.  This is my story.

All of my childhood, my mother hounded me and my brothers about being pure for our wedding day.  I was simply taught that the most important day of my life would be to have sex the night of my wedding day. There wasn’t a week that went by where my mom didn’t talk about it to us.

I heard this from the Bible on a regular basis, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” -Hebrews 13:4

I recently told Mom that I believe she made virginity an idol because she talked to us more about saving ourselves for marriage than she did about the grace of God through Christ’s blood.

My mom is a loving lady who truly loves God, but she would try to live her life through me.  Where she failed, she expected me to excel.  I suppose in being a mother myself now, that makes sense.  If you had dreams and goals you couldn’t obtain, you hope your children do better and make it through.  The problem is that my mom would try to guilt trip me into her belief and way of life regularly. I felt intense pressure from her to be perfect. I did my best to obey everything she taught me too.

For my sixteenth birthday, Mom bought me a blue topaz ring and dubbed it my virgin ring.  It was basically her way of tracking me to make sure I would remain a “good” girl.  I also was not allowed to date until that birthday.  I wore that ring and many people noticed it and asked about it.  It looked almost like an engagement ring.  People would comment about its beauty.  Eventually I let some people know that it was my purity ring.  Since I attended a public high school for my last three school years, many would ask me, “What’s that mean?”  I’d explain to them that it signified my devotion to obeying God in being pure for marriage.  I was really proud of that fact.  Too proud. I started to show off.

Girls in my high school were pretty open about the sexual things they were doing.  I was in shock at how open many of them were. They’d tell classmates freely and loudly. If you overheard what they said, it didn’t seem to bother them.

One girl told me how she admired me for my stance.  She would check my hand every so often to make sure I still had my ring on.  It was an odd feeling, because when I started dating, a lot of kids did that to me, including guys.  I guess word got around and then the nickname began.

It got to the point where I would look down on girls who weren’t pure.  I forgot so much about showing love to others and extending grace to them.  I forgot to realize that it was not my job to be accountable for everyone else’s choices, just my own.

Then I met my husband Rob.  Only a month or two into getting to know him (before we were dating), he told me in front of a few people that he was not a virgin.  I didn’t understand how that could be, because he was a Christian.  I figured all teen Christians had to be virgins.  It confounded me.  He let me know that he wasn’t really a Christian when he did those things with exes. He was striving to not have sex again until marriage in the future if possible, but it wasn’t a focus or objective goal.  He just wanted to do his best to follow God and hopefully he wouldn’t screw up too much in the process.

I had thought about Rob’s words for a while.  I had already developed a major crush on him at that point.  How could he be so open about having sex in the past?  Wasn’t he ashamed?  Didn’t he have any understanding of how bad of a choice he had made?  I had hoped to marry another virgin, so this irritated me that the guy I was falling for was not “pure” too. I didn’t even think about the fact that his past was forgiven by God.

Rob and I started dating after being friends for nine months.  We had a rocky beginning and were on and off for the first three months until Rob was certain he wanted to work out our problems and stay committed to one another, so he asked me to be his girlfriend again for the last time.

Cutelittle couple
Rob and I when we were together for a year – I was still a virgin.

After a year of dating and seeing Rob every single day, it was becoming much more difficult to not want to enjoy more of him.  I was clearly in love with him.  We had just become pre-engaged too.  We started to explore one another.  I was taught that sex before marriage was wrong, but I didn’t think the other stuff around it was a problem at all.  Now I realize that it is all connected in some way.  I was having a lot of fun, regardless of what I knew was right or wrong. I couldn’t focus on God whenever we started making out. I wanted more and more, so I’d push God aside during those times.

I tried to explain to Rob that I was getting prepared for sex since we’d be getting married anyway (which is a dumb excuse). Rob kept saying he didn’t want us to do it because it was a major decision that I had deep convictions of. He also said that because he had been intimate in the past with others, he saw things a little more clearly than I did. He also reminded me that I had convictions to stick to. It seemed to be more of my mom’s conviction than mine at that point.

The problem was that Rob was having a difficult time waiting too.  He never felt for anyone the way he did for me ever before.  He also valued me and wanted what was best for us.  He had already been in the longest relationship he ever had, in being with me.  In promising that one day he’d marry me with the pre-engagement rings we each wore, he knew he was committed to me already. He wanted to protect me and cherish me, but he also wanted to be intimate with me.  His self-control was running thin while mine was practically on empty.

At the very end of my senior year of high school, Rob and I were making out while I straddled him.  We were getting intense with passion and I told him I was ready.  He asked me several times if I was sure.  He held my face gently with his hands, looked deeply into my eyes, smiled, and agreed.  We both had orgasms at the same time and I was in awe of the moment.

I was really happy. Many girls had told me how boring or bad their first times were.  Mine was exciting and amazing. Where was the guilt I had been told about? Did it happen later? Was it after a relationship ended?

When I went into the bathroom to clean myself up a bit, I saw how rosy my cheeks were, how sweaty my neck had become, and that my eyes didn’t seem as bright as they once were, but there was a little gleam somewhere in there. I only had a couple spots of blood and thought I would have a pool of it when losing my virginity. Everything that I had learned about “first times” seemed so different.

I smiled at my reflection and chuckled a little. I felt this was the first time I rebelled against my mom, though I didn’t think about what God thought. I kept trying to wonder if I felt guilt.  I thought maybe I did, but really it was just the guilt of hurting my mom that I felt.  I didn’t really feel different, like I thought I would.  I became obsessed with sex though.  I wanted that feeling again, and soon. The feeling was so good for me that Rob and I started to have sex on a regular basis.

Rob at one time had to tell me to cool off because I was so wild after just a few months of exploring each other in this new way.  In his past, he never had such good experiences with sex and I changed it all for him, but he kept getting scared I’d get pregnant because we were never using protection, so I started to count a few days around when I ovulated because I knew my body like clockwork.  We didn’t have sex during those days and when I bled (which back then I menstruated for 11 long days).  I marked up my calendar to keep track of days. Somehow it worked until I got pregnant two years after we married (please know, we did have a few times where I was late and thought I could be pregnant, and those times were worrisome when we were only engaged).

while engaged
Rob and I when we were engaged. This was taken around a time we had sex

Two days after I lost my virginity, my mom knew I had sex.  I had a urinary tract infection that I got from my first time and my mom had one after her first time, so she put it together that I must have lost my virginity too.  She sobbed so much and was so upset with me, saying I made the worst decision of my life.  I told her I was fine and she didn’t understand that.  She was really “disappointed” that I screwed up.  I didn’t realize at the time she was mourning her own loss through me again.

My mom has openly shared with many that the biggest mistake of her life was giving her virginity up before marriage (and she was not yet a Christian).  My mom dated a guy in high school and was so in love with him that she even got left back to be in his grade the following year.  She thought she’d marry him (but she married my dad about a year after her break-up with her high school boyfriend).  Her ex pressured her for sex constantly.  She said “no” all the time. At one point he broke her down, manipulated, and got his way with her.  Once he had her, she just let him have her again afterwards.

A few years ago, Mom received an apology from her ex through a Facebook message (I suppose he felt years of guilt from the event too).  She shared it with me and Rob.  Her ex explained what he did to her and why he was sorry. She was really happy that he apologized, but the hurt continues on.

It didn’t dawn on me right away, but Rob told me later, “Your mom got raped.  No wonder why it has been so traumatic for her and why she taught you what she did, how she did, and gets so upset and emotional over the subject.”  I reevaluated Mom’s story and thought of Rob’s words and realized that it was true.

When my mom realized I was having sex, I told her, “I am not you.  Rob is not your ex-boyfriend.”  Rob never once pressured me into anything.  We have a healthy relationship.  I am not saying that is a good reason to have sex, because ultimately I still believe that one should wait to have sex for marriage.  Rape is a terrible thing to endure, and I feel sorry for my mom because she has not been able to properly heal out of her situation decades since it happened.  When I told her recently that she was raped, she didn’t want to believe the word I spoke at first because eventually she did have sex with that ex on her own clear thinking, but it was after her “precious treasure” was taken from her against her better judgement and will. She felt he already had her body, why did it matter anymore to continue or not. Shortly afterwards, he broke her heart.

In my adult life, Mom still brings up the losing of my virginity before my marriage, but I don’t have pain at all like she suffers.

EPSON MFP image
Our wedding day.  June 19, 2004

Rob and I would see how long we could resist having sex or resist sexual things as a whole.  It was so tough.  The longest we went without anything was for four months before we got married, but then we had sex the day before we got married.  Getting married was a huge relief for my hormones.

I was actually very sexually curious and enjoyed the ideas of sexual touch since I was a very young child. I got caught masturbating by nearly all my family members even in my toddler years. My brothers made jokes about it in my pre-teen years and found it funny. I was mortified, but I was never told not to do that, so I continued until I got married.

Last year I found out I am bipolar hyper-sexual.  I was diagnosed as manic depressed when I was 8-14, which are the years I went to counseling, therapists, and psychologists.  Bipolar people are prone to get addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex (and sometimes all of them combined).  I am addicted to sex (and I just never had an interest in the others).  To this day, I have a very hard time getting through one hour without thoughts of or wanting sex or needing touch from Rob.  According to my other married female friends, that is not normal at all because they could go a full month to a year without sexual touch, which would drive me bonkers quite literally, but I am glad that is how I am (Rob’s not complaining either).  He is in a way, a healthy medicine for me, though I use aromatherapy for my moods to stay at base.

People might think, well if you are focusing more and more on God He will help you to not think so much about sex. I think about sex when Rob and I are talking about God. I’ll grin and he knows what I am doing and tries to snap me out of it by getting me back on track. I think about sex when Rob goes up at church to pray as an elder. I think about sex when he holds my hand while on a walk. I think about sex when looking at places where I think it would be fun to have sex. This is how my brain works. I tell you because I can be reading scriptures and my mind starts to think about it. I pray for focus a lot. It is very difficult so I need to constantly keep my mind occupied because it helps keep my mind off sex, especially if I am doing two things at once such as listening to a podcast while doing dishes, homeschooling while cutting fabric up, or sewing while listening to an audible book.

I have been married nearly 13 years to Rob (come June 19th).  This month that I type this (May, 2017) marks 15 years since I lost my virginity to him.  I don’t regret it.  I still look at my first time with fondness, probably because he treats me with such intense value still.  He and I understand one another completely. He is my perfect match. God truly did have him in mind for me at the start.

The difference that I want to explain is that Christians need to start teaching to glorify God with their bodies and their lives rather than to glorify our own bodies or the bodies of others. We need to remember that Christ shed his blood and that he made the ultimate sacrifice for our sins.  I had the habit of asking God to forgive me over and over again after each time I had sex before marriage, but really, He already did. I should have asked God to help me resist the temptation of desiring to sin. Now, in being married, it is not a sin to think of my husband at all. I did wrong in having sex before marriage, but I don’t let that eat at me or destroy me or my faith. What I lacked were two fruits of the Spirit: patience and self-control.

I have been forgiven for my past and am really thankful that I have only had sex with one man who continues to love me.  My faith in God grows and I love Him for showing me forgiveness!  Although the sexual immoral are judged, I have since been forgiven and will not be judged on something that has been wiped away clean.

I shoved my virginity in the faces of my classmates.  God humbled me.  I used to wear my virgin ring twisted facing the other direction so I didn’t have to see it.  I took it off once I got engaged.  I did not want to be living a lie.  Lying is just as wrong as sex before marriage.

Abstinence is best, but if someone has already lost their virginity before marriage, they should not be looked down upon.  I see many Christians doing that, and it is awful.  We are to show grace, not judgement.  We are to show love, not spite.  Abstinence does not mean your marriage will be saved or better. I know several people personally who are now divorced who did not lose their virginity until their wedding night.

If my sons choose to wait to have sex after marriage, it will be wonderful, but it is not the most important thing in a Christian life.  Loving God and our neighbor is, so that is what I teach them more than anything else.  If they do have sex before marriage, I pray that I will be loving and understanding of them. I won’t be able to change them, only God can.   I am not going to put guilt on them.  That is not my job.  My job is to raise them in knowing the truth of right and wrong, tell them God has a true purpose for their lives; that the best thing to do is to focus on Him and it will be hard to do any wrong.  I lost focus on God and made sex my idol, and for that, I did great sin.

Losing my virginity before marriage was one of the best things that happened to me because it taught me a great lesson of humility and brought me to the feet of God.  It helped teach me the lesson of grace that I needed at that time.  I have been redeemed.  I am loved.

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.  And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption,  so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.’” -1 Corinthians 1:27-31

cutiesatthepool
Us at a pool from last summer (2016)
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4 thoughts on “Thoughts on Sex Before Marriage: My Personal Story

  1. Thanks for sharing this post! I have always admired your honesty and willingness to share your heart and struggles with others in order to magnify God’s grace and truth. I also love the photos you used! You are God’s treasure and He is clearly using you as a vessel for his glory. Happy early 13 anniversary. You two are an inspiration. I need to watch your YouTube/podcast couple series!

  2. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I think that honesty is the best way to combat shame. It helps us to see that we’re all different and yet equally loved and valued. I appreciate the grace you extend to yourself and others around you. Keep up the awesome work!

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